When you are pregnant everybody talks about it, the connection between a mom and her kid that’s so special and means so much. A connection that can’t be seen, only felt. It is deeply rooted in your heart and soul. And the moment your baby is born is the moment you should feel such connection. And be able to cry tears of joy…

Then the hard truth…

I have never felt this so called connection. Not when Mellody was stil in my womb, not when she was born, not when she’s sick or happy, it’s just not there. I’ve struggled with that for a very long time, I was ashamed, it felt hard and tough, i hurts me so much and it gives me pain every single day! How is it posible a mom doesn’t feel this connection? Shouldn’t it be here “naturally”? Why don’t I feel this connection? Isn’t it just supposed to be there? EVERYBODY talks about it and sure i want to believe it all.. but with me the reality is just a bit different.

On the moment Mellody was born i was so wrecked from childbirth, that i couldn’t enjoy the fact that my little girl was born. beside that her umbilical cord was only 20cm long so she could only lay on my lower abdomen, so cuddeling my new born child wasn’t an option either. After the umbelical cord was done beating they cut it and took her to the table to dry her of, etcetra. (i gave birth at home in a bath) I felt disgusting, tired and i was so done with this. The only thing i actually wanted was to sleep, for a week or three.. walking or showering on my own wasn’t possible because my body was so weak. After the shower I got in my bed downstairs, my beautiful girl was put down beside me, time to nurse.. all this went without any struggle or problem it didn’t bother me at al.

But where are those beautiful amazing feelings? Where is that crazy love? Where is this connection i’m suppose to feel? I’ve asked myself this for day’s, week’s, months, and now 2 years later i stil have no idea. But you know what? I know (thanks to someone who is SO SWEET!(THANKYOU)) that it doesn’t give a F*ck if that so called connection is there or not! Look at how much fun we have together, look at how much love we give each other, i would go trough fire for this little girl. And thats the only connection you’ll need! Don’t look at others and don’t hold on to other people who say or think it has to be like that. Nobody does everything the same way, and everybody does it different, their own way.

And just because certain studies show horribly negative results due to lack of that connection, it doesn’t applies to every mother and child. With or without that connection you can give love, you dont need a connection for love. Feeling what your child needs without that connection is absolutely possible, look, feel and listen to your child and you will know exactly what they need. You don’t need some invisible connection for that.

I could keep feeling guilty for not feeling this so-called connection but at the end the only one who gets hurt by that wil be me. I’m learning now to let go, because holding on to this will destroy you from the inside out, and that’s not worth it!! So enjoy every beautiful moment and every not so beautiful moment. They’re all part of it, one day is easy the other isn’t. Does this make us any less or unqualified? Definitely not! maybe even more. Because even if I don’t feel this connection, my little girl is getting al the love I could posibly give her.

Xx Jamie.

 

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